Friday, July 12, 2013

For reflection.

Dear Me,
     This week you struggled on how to deal with Jayden's constant shenanigans at his various lessons and classes. You've pondered, quite diligently, which path you should take with him and have spent a considerable amount of time feeling lost and at wits end. You know that you don't want to be the parent who lets her child walk all over her and everyone else, so that you wont have to reprimand him. You also know that he is young and, while you want him to learn discipline and the schematics of baseball; he is 5 years old and above all, these things should be fun. Not another reason to be yelled at for not controlling your attention span.
You also know that you don't want to be frustrated at Jayden because you are working so diligently to not have to be told anything about your child, by anyone else.
You're insecurities should not be a reason to jump down your sons throat.
You came to realize, or more appropriately  remember, when your mother would discipline you for something you did at social functions or school outing, and remember not feeling remorseful  but angry that she couldn't just let you have fun. You didn't feel apologetic. You felt resentful. This is not something you want for Jayden. Or for your relationship with him.
Right now, you know you need to lighten up, but as Jayden doesn't act out like most other boys his age, aren't sure how to handle is antics in a way that he understands. You're frustrated.
You've resigned to, for now, supporting and throwing heapfuls of love at him. Reminding him, softly, that today he should remember not to spit, not to hit, not to yell or be mean. And tell him you know he'll be great.

Another issue you're currently facing, is when to leave for Virginia. You desperately want to start the UVA Guaranteed Admission  program this year, but are committed to not breaking your lease, and simply cannot afford to save the thousands it would cost to pay off this lease, and put first, last, and deposit on another before August. So your only option in this case would be to pay both for the remainder of the year, thrusting you family into fiscal hell, because you're impatient. Wait a few months. get your shit together. This is too important. Dont go into it half cocked. This wont be like the other times.
I'd urge you you to keep your eye on the ball. Instead of swinging fast and hard, looking up at the sky.

What is really leaving a pit in your stomach though, is that, although you love your mother, you feel guilty for leaving your brothers and sister, alone to deal with her.
I dont think this guilt stems from you leaving the state. Again.
I think its comes from knowing in your heart that some of their pain, stress, worry, could be alleviated if you would just call them. Let them talk to you. I think you know that it wouldn't be such abandonment if you made a point to be there for them, no matter where you are.
But you also know, deep down, that its easier for their problems to be muffled. Its easier to not have to think about Mark feeling the way you did at 13, hating your mother, your brothers and sisters, your life. Dreading being home. Dreading Mom waking up in a tantrum. Its easy to consider your 900 miles, cushion. But you know Mark's uncle, who moms planning on taking up with when he gets out of prison in less than a month, is coming. And that Mark has issues with it. And that Mom doesn't care. You also know she won't let you just take the damn children. But you can call. You can become a friend to Mark. You can tell him what you never knew.
Not to tell Mom your feelings, cause she'll just wait till she's pissed at you, or until her and boyfriend get in a fight, to throw them in your face.
To keep your head down and focus on school. Its so important.
To let go of dark emotions, and energy. They dont last but what you do during a dark moment, might.
That there is a life beyond the dark of ghetto neighborhoods.
That just because everyone around you is comfortable in smut, doesn't mean you should be.
You are not resigned to the life you have at 14 years old. Unless you make those big mistakes. So avoidable mistakes.
You should be there.

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